weird

I'm feeling so weird… am I depressed? I'm thinking about how sis has not been consistently sending IM or even calling me. But that's what I want, right? I don't want to get too close to him because it might lead to something more… for him I mean. And again, I just want to be in that comfort zone where I only hold people at arms length. Probably, by nature I want that closeness… but my mind is saying no. Weird. And now, I'm thinkng about it. I can't concentrate on work. I just need a break. This hitch has been hectic… both work and pleasure. But I'm so weird, the littlest thing I fret! ARG! I'm done with my period and I'm still feeling hormonally imbalanced!

10-year old version of a bucket list

Interesting conversation last night with our 10yr old:

(Saw skydiving when we were having dinner)

V: i want to go skydiving

Me: huh?!?  Really?  You? 

V: yes!  So these are the things i want to do... climb a mountain..

Me: huh??  you didn't even finish the mountain we climbed

V: Yes, i was half way.   travel all by myself...

me:  all by your self??  huh??  (Gobsmacked - couldnt believe what i was hearing.  so funny!  where does he get all these ideas!  when i was 10 years old, i was just thinking about school, TV and my friends.  gash.)

H: you should also target to be a millionaire by age of 30.  I became one at the age of 30.

V: okay.. you inspired me dad.  i will do that.

hahahaha!!!  it was just so interesting, endearing, sweet and proud.  one for the books!  :)

 

bone-tired

first time in a long time... but I just wanted to air out.  I'm not complaining, I just want to let this all out.  I am physically and mentally tired.  Yaya went on a vacation.  we just got back from a week in japan.  I have 2 boys who don't really care much helping out at home.  I'm basically okay with that but there's just not enough time!!  I want to be able to do it all.  I want to clean the house, be able to cook for them, do the laundry... at the quick clean and not me...I hate doing handwash laundry!! 
right now, I'm in the office and I'm feeling bone tired!  I have no motivation to start work... but I have a long list of things to do... DEPO action items, DEPO meeting, DEPO RFP on the UAE/Bahrain/Vietnam and then CAS ADAIRO, CAS cutover plan, CAS resource checking.  I'd rather stay at home and clean!  hahahaha! 


I feel like I'm a walking robot... not feeling anything.  just doing what needs to be done.  that's not good right?  I have no desire or passion for anything except to do what needs to be done.  do I need a vacation?  i don't know Lord.  What are you telling me?  deep down, having a baby would make me soo happy and passionate again.  i keep doing stuff - trying new things to possibly compensate not having a baby.  but deep down, I'm not happy.  we're not happy.  i feeling that toping and vino are also just floating, waiting.  lead me Lord.  i know you have something planned for us but i don't know if i need to do something or just let it happen.  do i wait and be patient or just take the bull by the horns and ask Hane about adoption again?  is that it??  Or just move on, accept that you won't get that one thing that will make you very happy and just do stuff that will make other people happy?  oh em gee!


okay that's it.  still so much stuff to do.  got to cut this emo stuff!  :)

Holy Week

2015 Holy Week Friday’s Station

This is the most meaningful Holy Week…  my first Holy Week after Angel Duc.  It formally started with Friday’s Station of the Cross, Palm Sunday, Holy Wednesday Novena and Mass, Maundy Thursday’s Bisita Iglesia, Good Friday’s Celebration of the Lord’s Passion, Black Saturday’s Easter Vigil and Easter Sunday’s Salubong and Mass.

 

The week was peaceful and non-stressful just the way I like it.  I never did like to go out of town during Holy Week and join the bandwagon of millions of tourists squeezing into tourist spots, beaches, pools, etc.  but somehow my family, vino and Hane wants to go out of town.  I want to make my future Holy Week like this…  really energizing for Jesus’ Passion, Death and Resurrection.

 

It started with Friday’s stations of the cross – I just wanted to do it as a Friday night gimmick and I brought Vino along.  But that activity turned out to be such a profound one… I realized that I can relate to this…  how my 2014 is the first part of the stations of the cross…  full of suffering – not betrayal… although a small part of my heart still has this resentment towards You Lord.  I know it’s wrong that’s why I’m still not completely healed.  I can relate it to Angel Duc, how he suffered and carried the cross of that congenital disorder.  How brave he was and how he really fought hard to stay alive.  It’s the Passion…  Jesus suffered through it so that He could save us from sin… Angel Duc suffered through it so that he could save me…  it’s not enough that I just go to mass, I need to do something bigger… I don’t want to be passive! 

 

Jesus has suffered through all of it and I think maybe one reason is for all the people who suffered to really relate to him… like me.  I now understand the importance of Jesus becoming man so that all of us can really relate and say that I am one with Jesus.  His suffering is so great, my suffering is nothing compared to what He went through. 

 

Death.  “Unto thy hands, I commend my Spirit”.  It is somehow a relief to die…  to leave the physical earth and leave all the suffering and problems.  And it’s a way to transition to something that is much greater. 

 

Resurrection.  This is now a new word to me…  I’m so grateful that there is life after death… that I will see my Angel duc on the other side… the he is so much more happy there and that he is waiting for me…  Thank you Papa Jesus for saving us and creating that world for us.  I now realize the importance of Holy Week and I want to have it as a tradition to just make it as Holy every year. 

slump

It’s so hard…  to be in this situation where I’m constantly looking out for my finances, to always think about things that I need to pay directly out of my salary.  I used to just have tons of savings and if I have to pay insurance or car repair or just plan for vacation – I can just take it out from the savings and go about my salary regularly.  I’m tired of worrying about how I’m going to pay for the next big item…  next big item is the insurance from hane.  I just calculated and annually, I need to shell out 190k just to keep up with the insurance.  I’m tired.  I’m hearing my friends plan for trips to japan or out of the country.  I couldn’t even plan for an out of town trip.  I’m so tired.  I know Lord God, that this is reality and I need to carry my cross.  I’m just ranting now…  that’s probably why I feel so down and depressed.  I haven’t been thinking too much about my angel…  but I know Lord God, you’re constantly there, picking up small pieces so I don’t break down.  Talk about ungratefulness noh.  I’m just not used to being like this for long time.  This is the worst financial slump I’ve ever been in.  completely no savings – completely not liquid.  Completely always recalculating when I’m going to get money.. next payday, next bonus, the last payment of my numerous loans.  Lord God, help me get through this… I don’t want to burden Hane with all this… he’s always so positive.  He’s used to this situation… he’s been there before when he was young and supporting his siblings.  As for me, this is the first time.  It’s so hard…  but this will make me stronger, this will make me appreciate the value of money, make me value things above – not the earthly things.  It’s hard when you’re surrounded by too much material things… too much focus on earthly things.  I need to detach but I shouldn’t detach.  I think I need to just be open about it that I’m in this situation.

1st year...

Happy birthday my angel Duc.  It’s been a year…  still so very painful.  I can’t… don’t talk about it that much.  I don’t know… I don’t want to talk because I’ll end up crying and where will it take me… the people just don’t know what to say and it will end up very awkward.  But I want to talk about it… 

It’s been so hard… when I see babies, when I see pregnant women, when I see the women who were pregnant at the same time I was pregnant.  Until now, my heart is asking why…  I still get so hurt and emotional when I really think about it.  I’m not in a good place yet… don’t know if I will ever be.  I don’t even want to think of having a baby that can replace this despair that I feel.  I think deep inside, everything is still a mess… but I’m operating on auto pilot showing everyone I’m okay, making sure they don’t get worried about me.  But if I just dig deep, it’s all still there. 

I know Angel Duc is in such a better place right now but why can’t he be with me?  Haay Lord… I know I’m regressing, let me feel this and let it all out.  My mind is saying all the right things… I will never ever know in my lifetime why this has happened.  So all I’m looking forward to is just the life after death… being together with Angel Duc and the Holy Family.  That is really the main goal in life… aiming for that life after death. 

Angel Duc, when I see you I will smother you with kisses and hugs, I will not let you go…  I will give you all the love that I can give.  I will show you pictures of your dad and your brother.  What would you have become?  It’s good that my mind does not even try to think of what could’ve been? 

I worry about a lot of things… i worry that i'm not mourning properly... i worry that what i'm going right now is not enough...  just let go... let God.  right now, i feel so disconnected.  I will spend time with you just to reconnect.  

August 29

I’m pushing myself to have passion back to work… but I keep on dreaming about just having a family… taking care of the baby and just being a mother/wife.  Nothing else is more important…  but more of cultivating the relationships. 

I should just make my work a means to an end.  I will work to get money, and to cultivate relationships.  Help me to focus on that and give it my hundred percent.  Angel Duc, this is all for you… I love you so much… so very very much!

August 28

Still pains me… the thing that triggered it was when I saw July 31.  I remember writing that on a piece of paper because I wanted to monitor and really have my documentation of the sequence of events of the 3^rdtrial feeding of Baby Duc.  I miss him so much… I hate this feeling.  I feel so desolate.  Again, I ask the question why it had to happen.  I love him so much but he just had to go back to Papa Jesus.  I had a talk with Mae and she was brave enough to just say if I need anyone to talk to, she’s there.  I talked about it so clinically so that I won’t burst into tears…  I want to cry… just to let it all out.  when my mind goes back to those days, I feel so hopeless.  I don’t know what God has in store for us… what I’ve been getting from the bible and daily readings is just to make sure that my insides are clean.  I guess inside I’m a mess.  I have all these negative/bad thoughts?  I need to clean them.  I don’t know.  I want to run… to escape.  I want to be given big work to do so that I can focus on that.  I miss him so much… He would have been 2.5 months and probably can carry his head.  I hate this.  why pa rin??  It hurts so much.

August 26

Woke up feeling down again… like I have nothing to look forward to.  Past few days were good, I had visitors – lyn/ley/bot, ate jing.  Those really helped me to not dwell.  But today, KrisTv featured Mariah Carey songs – the song that triggered my painful memory again was actually a love song – love lost.  But every line was so aligned with what I’m feeling…  escape from the pain, part of me died.  Angel Duc, I miss you so much.  You would’ve been 2 months already, I would have been pumping like crazy so that you’ll have your breastmilk.  It hurts so much.  The pain is still as intense, I feel physical heaviness in my heart.  I don’t want to think about what-ifs anymore.  it’s just so painful and what will it bring me… just more pain. 

And I know you’re shining down on me from heaven.  And I know eventually we’ll be together… one sweet day.

August 22

I don’t think the pain will ever go away… it will always be there for my Angel Duc.  There will be days where I will be busy, focused on other things in life, but the minute I will remember or see something of Angel Duc, the same intense pain will come again.  That is why these past few days, I’ve been looking for things that will keep me busy…  I feel depressed that I don’t have anything that makes me passionate to do it.  Even with Vino, it is a struggle because he is at the point where he is starting to be naughty and learn some bad things.  My patience is wearing thin when he gets this way, but I know that this is the time that I should exercise more patience… this is one of the critical points in a child’s life, to understand and know good vs bad. 

I also got a message yesterday, that I don’t need to look outside for people to help… but I just need to look at people around me and help them!  why do I need to go far when I’m surrounded by people who may need help.  Bits, Auntie Lisa, the barkadings…  how do I help them?  I thought of just leading them to the feast but seems to be not working. 

I feel so bleak pa rin.  Kanina after mass, or even during mass, I really felt so desolate.  What is life’s purpose?  I’d rather be in heaven then here on earth.  But that’s the case, for us to get to heaven, we have to do well on earth.  Hay Lord God, you keep talking to me and I love you for it.  Angel Duc!!  You are my miracle, you are my blessing, you are my heart.  The pain is just unbearable and I feel like I’m lost.  So lost.  I feel like I don’t know me anymore, I don’t know how to act.  Am I going to the right path? 

Right now, I don’t have any passion.  I watch TV to escape from the pain.  I play candy crush, do some organizing at home just to take my mind off the pain.

Bechu lying

I have been noticing how Bechu has been lying…  I sometimes hear him tell stories to JC and Francis, and I hear the 2 boys say that he’s lying.  Even with me, I catch him lying like the time when someone called me at home, and he said I wasn’t around. 

Thank goodness for the website, I saw some tips that can help me.  apparently all the things I’ve been doing are a no-no…  being accusatory, saying liar and bad person.  I need to understand where he is coming from, why he is lying.  It says there that somehow, it covers feeling of low self-esteem, or not wanting to disappoint parents.  I need to be more attuned to him…  I will never use liar or bad person again.  What I can do is try to verbalize why he told stories and go from there.  I’m sorry. 

August 21

i had my mind preoccupied with a lot of things today and yesterday…  I went to Baclaran yesterday and today, Divisoria.  I was busy…  but checking my email, I saw the bereavement message from coop.  it brought back tears…  I thought I was a bit better coz I haven’t cried that much yesterday and today… but reading those messages from Eph, Larah, Johanna, Challene, Levy, I am far from over it.  I miss him so much… 

these past few days, I’ve been looking for something to do…  I want to join a group, I want to be active, I want Angel Duc to be proud of me but look at me, I’m stuck at home feeling restless and empty.  I know I have to do something, something selfless.  I read this Pepsico article where the CEO just admitted that women can’t have everything…  family vs career.  And it led me to think that God might really have something else in mind for me, not motherhood.  If I have been a mother to Angel Duc, that would have had my life focused on family for at least 3 years.  I would’ve given up everything, made everything less of a priority over family… not even family but my sons.  But right now, I’m still waiting… waiting for God to show me the way.  I’m being impatient… I want to start what He wants me to do… because it helps me to think and feel less of this devastating loss… to replace my grief with salvation. 

August 18

Everytime I see your video, it breaks my heart so much.  I couldn’t do anything to save you, i’m sorry that my family didn’t see how strong and brave you are… how grown up you look.  You didn’t look like a 1 month old baby anymore but so much more mature.  I’m so proud of the fight you fought, you could’ve grown up to be so strong and such a blessed baby, boy, man.  It breaks my heart so much that I won’t see you as you grow old…  how you will affect our lives, your dad and your big brother Vino.  But I promise you that even if you’re not in our mortal world anymore, your 1 ½ months stay with us will forever change us…  because of you, I now value family – Mom, Dad and sisters, cousins and relatives.  I will nurture my relationship with them and see where I can help.  Your dad and me are now stronger and closer, and have appreciated the value of each other in our lives.  I have become closer to God, and somehow I got ahold of this book “Raw Faith” where I’m learning so much on how I can make my relationship with God stronger.  I now see the importance of connection with other people, that those are the most important things, not money, not accomplishment. 

I want you to be proud of me from heaven, and that you are so full of joy up above.  I want to have this image of you happy, playing, healthy and contented. 

Jans - That is beautiful. Thank you for sharing that me, I will treasure that forever. He is so proud of you. We are so proud of you and admire you for your strength and courage ate. Thank you for staying strong for him and for us.

Jans: 

August 16

we visited Angel Duc at St Therese... first time after his burial.  i was calm and just cried a few tears.

Everytime i see anything related to him, i think that i somehow try to block whatever.  it hurts so much... so so much.  i still feel that it's all a dream, that i never happened, that i'll just go back to being who i am and who we are before i got pregnant.  the hurt and pain is that bad... but i know... because of my unconditional love for Angel Duc, i will fight all this hurt and pain, and will be the most ideal for him.  That is his purpose.  i miss him so much.  i want to go back to NICU2 to just remember but i'm scared of how it will affect me.  but i know i need to go back there...  i think that will help me free my hurt/resentment/pain.

August 15

I woke up twice – at 1230am and at 330am.  I read the kerygma, the readings were about Mama Mary, the assumption.  How she just trusted God, did not question what He planned for her and went with the plan with grace.  I can relate a little bit with Mama Mary in the sense that our son suffered physically in this earth and was taken away.  I realized that Angel Duc’s purpose was really for me…  to convert me.  I’ve always had this misconception that I’m a good person, but with all that’s happened, I don’t believe it anymore.  I may not be committing grievous sins but I’m so much far from being Christ-like.  I’m an impatient person, and I want things in the proper ways.  This may be ideal in some situations but in terms of personal relationships, this hurts a lot of people.  I have a lot of things to reflect and change…  I will do all of those things for Angel Duc.  It is soo sad that things had to go this way, that my baby had to go thru that for me to realize.  I don’t know if this is the big picture God wanted for us…  I’m sorry for being this way and I will do everything in my power to make you proud my Angel Duc.  I love you so much my Angel Duc. 

I also read “Raw Faith”.  That was actually the time that I realized this – it also talked about faith and how you just obey.  If God is calling you, just obey and that is what faith is all about.  I remember that there have been a lot of instance where there was an invite for me and toping to join the couples for Christ and I always turn it down thinking that we’re not ready… not ready to leave Vino, not ready to make that commitment.  But I think it might be God’s calling.  If we had gone thru that, would this have happened?  So many questions, it’s hard to think and think. 

I miss him so much, I love, love, LOVE you, Angel Duc!!! 

August 14..

I was packing away my breastpump…  my connection by Baby Duc while I’m at home.  I have been laboring over pumping my milk, 4 times a day making sure I have at least 60mL of milk collected.  My labor of love that he only was able to taste 3 times in his 1.5 months of life.  I have been preparing to breastfeed for as long as I can, reading through Breastfeeding Pinay forum in FB.  I’m grateful to Nurse Mao for motivating me to pump my milk.  Baby couldn’t latch yet so I really tried hard to use pump to draw out my milk.  It hurts so much talaga… why?  I love you so much and I will never grow tired of saying it.  I hope that Angel Duc can feel all the love and happiness he missed here on earth.  

I thought that God will save him because He gave me so much milk but it wasn’t meant to be.  For 1.5 months, I have been hoping that eventually I will feed him.  It hurts so much. 

August 14

    

I see things that I could’ve done with Angel Duc…  playing, new toys, new stuff, just feeling the love from all the family.  But as Toping said, he is in such a better place and he doesn’t want us to feel sad and lonely.  My Angel Duc is just very selfless.  It still hurts that he spent his days in this earth with physical hurt.  I have this resentment in me of what he experienced.  But in kerygma, it says I need to replace resentment with love. 

Yesterday, I went to Baclaran with Mom and Auntie Lisa, we rode the UV express.  I got so worried with mom because it was so hot and crowded, she might faint or have a panic attack.  But she just went on with her business.  When I had my alone time, I broke down again.  This Novena prayer to Perpetual Help was the prayer I have been praying everyday for Angel Duc, but it didn’t seem to work on him.  I feel so much hurt talaga, why it didn’t work.  But I know in my mind that God answers all our prayers in the way that is best for us.  My prayer was for the complete, full and speedy recovery of Baby Duc.  When we got to that part where we had to say our personal intentions, that’s where I broke down.  Why??  Why pa rin??  My heart can’t understand it but my mind knows the answer.  I need to fill my heart with joy, love, hope and faith again.  Lord God, help me do that.  I need to give my life to others.  Angel Duc, this is for you – me giving my life to others.  Lord God, help me.  I want to do this for my Angel.  I love him so much.

Part of my heart is black, void, empty...  I feel this emptiness when I’m alone with my thoughts… when Vino is off to school and Hane is off to work... I have been waking up at 4AM with a heavy heart full of despair, grief and resentment.  My alarm goes off at 5:15 AM and I snap out of my reverie.  I read the daily readings in Kerygma, I read it with my mind but it doesn’t seem reach my heart. 

I hope to be free of this sadness, and I know in time I will get there.  There are still big parts of my heart that is alive, living for Vino and Hane, and my family.

August 13

Still dealing with pain.  My heart is still so heavy.  I woke up at 4am… decided to read kerygma.  The responsorial psalm is about glorifying the Lord.  But I can’t seem to bring my heart to sing glory.  Sorry Lord God, but I still feel that you let me down.  There is just so much hurt.  I keep thinking about Baby Duc suffering with all those needles and the dressing.  It’s soo unfair.  Why did he have to suffer like that… as a baby.  I let my baby down.  I’m soo sorry.  I was thinking about what bits and I talked about.  I experienced this because I’m a bad person.  I didn’t treat my family right, I am so impatient, I close off a lot of people, I act like I’m high and mighty.  Hay Lord God, I have all these hurts and I will keep turning to you until I understand what you want me to understand.  So much hurt. 

I remember my times with Baby Duc when I was doing the skin-to-skin.  I could last 2-3 hours just staying in that position with my baby on my chest, his right ear near my heart.  As soon as he finds a comfortable position, he gives this small sigh and goes right to sleep.  I love, love, love that.  and I would hum “Close to you” song so that he would match that song with the feeling of contentment.  It just hurts so much.  I can’t say this enough, I love him so so so much.  I hope that you are looking down on me and just loving me too, and not sad anymore.  I want to have that image of Baby Duc in the arms of Papa Jesus and Mama Mary, with the look of utter contentment and happiness.  Lolo Jaime, Lola Luz, Lola Coring, Lola Gab, Lola Fe, Auntie Linda surrounding him with so much love.  I love you so much Baby Duc.  Words are not enough to tell you my love.  I miss you so much.  I just wish that you are here with me, and I will make your life the happiest. 

Until now, I keep thinking about what we did wrong. 

august 11

when i'm busy, i forget.  i have been busy helping vino with his long test and i'm thankful for being busy.  but there are moments of grief.  now i know the meaning of grief.  i've been reading, using that word but haven't really felt with with my whole being.  i miss him so much.  i've spent everyday caring for him...  even by just caressing him, helping him to sit down, talking to him, kissing his face, tummy arms, the middle of his eye brows.  i don't know if he likes the kisses, sometimes, he closes his eyes when i kiss him.  i don't think it makes him feel good, but i feel good kissing him.  i feel like i could've done more... but thinking about it, i don't know anymore.  i just miss him so much...  i want to hug him, cuddle him and spend more and more time with him.  my baby Duc.  i've spent so much energy and emotion in just a span of 48 days...  i don't know what to write anymore.  my heart is so heavy, i feel like life is unfair.  i say that it's God's will, that it's better this way.  but deep down, i feel bitter.  i feel like it's such a waste...  i've spent 9 months caring for him inside me, and 48 days of caring for him in the hospital - not the kind of special caring that normal mothers give.  i feel like we didn't give him what he really deserves.  i still feel so much hurt that God allowed this to happen.  i know i shouldn't be feeling this way but my raw emotions says that.  there are times when i just cry and i shake my head, disbelieving all the things that happened.  i feel so sad, grief-stricken, heart-broken, devastated for my angel duc.  Duc... duc... i'm so sorry for giving you this disease or disorder or whatever this is.  you never ever deserved that.  i'm sorry for not cuddling you as i should've cuddled you.  i'm sorry that i wasn't able to feed you with my precious breastmilk.  i'm sorry that you had to stay in nicu with the lights always open, that nurses had to always stick needles in you, they had to dress your ileostomy.  i'm sorry for the times that you felt uncomfortable and i wasn't there to make you feel better.  i'm sorry that i didn't do everything in my power to save you.  i love you so much Duc...  i love you so much!  

Right now, i'm still hovering over all this... i feel like it hasn't really truly dawned on me.  it just hurts but i feel like there's more inside me that wants to go out and feel.  my heart is heavy and i feel like i haven't brought out everything.  i don't know what will happen.  

August 1

Yesterday was another bleak day for us...they stopped trial feeding for the 3rd time.  It was such a devastating news but God gave us small gifts to help... hane went home early from a plant tour so i didnt go thru it alone.  Tuazon immediately asked for xray and 2nd opinion.  Hane and I had some precious moments, prayed the rosary, talked - what the Lord wanted us to learn, that we both just want to serve and help, i told him my plan to have a savings fund for helping.  I felt connected to him at a deeper level and i thank God for the gift of him.

I know deep inside that the Lord will save baby duc.  He gave me so much breastmilk, He saved baby by delivering him just in time, He made baby duc to be such a fighter.  And i cant wait to get to know him as he grows up.  He is such a precious gift and just looking in his eyes, i feel all the love and connection with him.