August 13

Still dealing with pain.  My heart is still so heavy.  I woke up at 4am… decided to read kerygma.  The responsorial psalm is about glorifying the Lord.  But I can’t seem to bring my heart to sing glory.  Sorry Lord God, but I still feel that you let me down.  There is just so much hurt.  I keep thinking about Baby Duc suffering with all those needles and the dressing.  It’s soo unfair.  Why did he have to suffer like that… as a baby.  I let my baby down.  I’m soo sorry.  I was thinking about what bits and I talked about.  I experienced this because I’m a bad person.  I didn’t treat my family right, I am so impatient, I close off a lot of people, I act like I’m high and mighty.  Hay Lord God, I have all these hurts and I will keep turning to you until I understand what you want me to understand.  So much hurt. 

I remember my times with Baby Duc when I was doing the skin-to-skin.  I could last 2-3 hours just staying in that position with my baby on my chest, his right ear near my heart.  As soon as he finds a comfortable position, he gives this small sigh and goes right to sleep.  I love, love, love that.  and I would hum “Close to you” song so that he would match that song with the feeling of contentment.  It just hurts so much.  I can’t say this enough, I love him so so so much.  I hope that you are looking down on me and just loving me too, and not sad anymore.  I want to have that image of Baby Duc in the arms of Papa Jesus and Mama Mary, with the look of utter contentment and happiness.  Lolo Jaime, Lola Luz, Lola Coring, Lola Gab, Lola Fe, Auntie Linda surrounding him with so much love.  I love you so much Baby Duc.  Words are not enough to tell you my love.  I miss you so much.  I just wish that you are here with me, and I will make your life the happiest. 

Until now, I keep thinking about what we did wrong.