August 14

    

I see things that I could’ve done with Angel Duc…  playing, new toys, new stuff, just feeling the love from all the family.  But as Toping said, he is in such a better place and he doesn’t want us to feel sad and lonely.  My Angel Duc is just very selfless.  It still hurts that he spent his days in this earth with physical hurt.  I have this resentment in me of what he experienced.  But in kerygma, it says I need to replace resentment with love. 

Yesterday, I went to Baclaran with Mom and Auntie Lisa, we rode the UV express.  I got so worried with mom because it was so hot and crowded, she might faint or have a panic attack.  But she just went on with her business.  When I had my alone time, I broke down again.  This Novena prayer to Perpetual Help was the prayer I have been praying everyday for Angel Duc, but it didn’t seem to work on him.  I feel so much hurt talaga, why it didn’t work.  But I know in my mind that God answers all our prayers in the way that is best for us.  My prayer was for the complete, full and speedy recovery of Baby Duc.  When we got to that part where we had to say our personal intentions, that’s where I broke down.  Why??  Why pa rin??  My heart can’t understand it but my mind knows the answer.  I need to fill my heart with joy, love, hope and faith again.  Lord God, help me do that.  I need to give my life to others.  Angel Duc, this is for you – me giving my life to others.  Lord God, help me.  I want to do this for my Angel.  I love him so much.

Part of my heart is black, void, empty...  I feel this emptiness when I’m alone with my thoughts… when Vino is off to school and Hane is off to work... I have been waking up at 4AM with a heavy heart full of despair, grief and resentment.  My alarm goes off at 5:15 AM and I snap out of my reverie.  I read the daily readings in Kerygma, I read it with my mind but it doesn’t seem reach my heart. 

I hope to be free of this sadness, and I know in time I will get there.  There are still big parts of my heart that is alive, living for Vino and Hane, and my family.