august 11

when i'm busy, i forget.  i have been busy helping vino with his long test and i'm thankful for being busy.  but there are moments of grief.  now i know the meaning of grief.  i've been reading, using that word but haven't really felt with with my whole being.  i miss him so much.  i've spent everyday caring for him...  even by just caressing him, helping him to sit down, talking to him, kissing his face, tummy arms, the middle of his eye brows.  i don't know if he likes the kisses, sometimes, he closes his eyes when i kiss him.  i don't think it makes him feel good, but i feel good kissing him.  i feel like i could've done more... but thinking about it, i don't know anymore.  i just miss him so much...  i want to hug him, cuddle him and spend more and more time with him.  my baby Duc.  i've spent so much energy and emotion in just a span of 48 days...  i don't know what to write anymore.  my heart is so heavy, i feel like life is unfair.  i say that it's God's will, that it's better this way.  but deep down, i feel bitter.  i feel like it's such a waste...  i've spent 9 months caring for him inside me, and 48 days of caring for him in the hospital - not the kind of special caring that normal mothers give.  i feel like we didn't give him what he really deserves.  i still feel so much hurt that God allowed this to happen.  i know i shouldn't be feeling this way but my raw emotions says that.  there are times when i just cry and i shake my head, disbelieving all the things that happened.  i feel so sad, grief-stricken, heart-broken, devastated for my angel duc.  Duc... duc... i'm so sorry for giving you this disease or disorder or whatever this is.  you never ever deserved that.  i'm sorry for not cuddling you as i should've cuddled you.  i'm sorry that i wasn't able to feed you with my precious breastmilk.  i'm sorry that you had to stay in nicu with the lights always open, that nurses had to always stick needles in you, they had to dress your ileostomy.  i'm sorry for the times that you felt uncomfortable and i wasn't there to make you feel better.  i'm sorry that i didn't do everything in my power to save you.  i love you so much Duc...  i love you so much!  

Right now, i'm still hovering over all this... i feel like it hasn't really truly dawned on me.  it just hurts but i feel like there's more inside me that wants to go out and feel.  my heart is heavy and i feel like i haven't brought out everything.  i don't know what will happen.