August 29

I’m pushing myself to have passion back to work… but I keep on dreaming about just having a family… taking care of the baby and just being a mother/wife.  Nothing else is more important…  but more of cultivating the relationships. 

I should just make my work a means to an end.  I will work to get money, and to cultivate relationships.  Help me to focus on that and give it my hundred percent.  Angel Duc, this is all for you… I love you so much… so very very much!

August 28

Still pains me… the thing that triggered it was when I saw July 31.  I remember writing that on a piece of paper because I wanted to monitor and really have my documentation of the sequence of events of the 3^rdtrial feeding of Baby Duc.  I miss him so much… I hate this feeling.  I feel so desolate.  Again, I ask the question why it had to happen.  I love him so much but he just had to go back to Papa Jesus.  I had a talk with Mae and she was brave enough to just say if I need anyone to talk to, she’s there.  I talked about it so clinically so that I won’t burst into tears…  I want to cry… just to let it all out.  when my mind goes back to those days, I feel so hopeless.  I don’t know what God has in store for us… what I’ve been getting from the bible and daily readings is just to make sure that my insides are clean.  I guess inside I’m a mess.  I have all these negative/bad thoughts?  I need to clean them.  I don’t know.  I want to run… to escape.  I want to be given big work to do so that I can focus on that.  I miss him so much… He would have been 2.5 months and probably can carry his head.  I hate this.  why pa rin??  It hurts so much.

August 26

Woke up feeling down again… like I have nothing to look forward to.  Past few days were good, I had visitors – lyn/ley/bot, ate jing.  Those really helped me to not dwell.  But today, KrisTv featured Mariah Carey songs – the song that triggered my painful memory again was actually a love song – love lost.  But every line was so aligned with what I’m feeling…  escape from the pain, part of me died.  Angel Duc, I miss you so much.  You would’ve been 2 months already, I would have been pumping like crazy so that you’ll have your breastmilk.  It hurts so much.  The pain is still as intense, I feel physical heaviness in my heart.  I don’t want to think about what-ifs anymore.  it’s just so painful and what will it bring me… just more pain. 

And I know you’re shining down on me from heaven.  And I know eventually we’ll be together… one sweet day.

August 22

I don’t think the pain will ever go away… it will always be there for my Angel Duc.  There will be days where I will be busy, focused on other things in life, but the minute I will remember or see something of Angel Duc, the same intense pain will come again.  That is why these past few days, I’ve been looking for things that will keep me busy…  I feel depressed that I don’t have anything that makes me passionate to do it.  Even with Vino, it is a struggle because he is at the point where he is starting to be naughty and learn some bad things.  My patience is wearing thin when he gets this way, but I know that this is the time that I should exercise more patience… this is one of the critical points in a child’s life, to understand and know good vs bad. 

I also got a message yesterday, that I don’t need to look outside for people to help… but I just need to look at people around me and help them!  why do I need to go far when I’m surrounded by people who may need help.  Bits, Auntie Lisa, the barkadings…  how do I help them?  I thought of just leading them to the feast but seems to be not working. 

I feel so bleak pa rin.  Kanina after mass, or even during mass, I really felt so desolate.  What is life’s purpose?  I’d rather be in heaven then here on earth.  But that’s the case, for us to get to heaven, we have to do well on earth.  Hay Lord God, you keep talking to me and I love you for it.  Angel Duc!!  You are my miracle, you are my blessing, you are my heart.  The pain is just unbearable and I feel like I’m lost.  So lost.  I feel like I don’t know me anymore, I don’t know how to act.  Am I going to the right path? 

Right now, I don’t have any passion.  I watch TV to escape from the pain.  I play candy crush, do some organizing at home just to take my mind off the pain.

Bechu lying

I have been noticing how Bechu has been lying…  I sometimes hear him tell stories to JC and Francis, and I hear the 2 boys say that he’s lying.  Even with me, I catch him lying like the time when someone called me at home, and he said I wasn’t around. 

Thank goodness for the website, I saw some tips that can help me.  apparently all the things I’ve been doing are a no-no…  being accusatory, saying liar and bad person.  I need to understand where he is coming from, why he is lying.  It says there that somehow, it covers feeling of low self-esteem, or not wanting to disappoint parents.  I need to be more attuned to him…  I will never use liar or bad person again.  What I can do is try to verbalize why he told stories and go from there.  I’m sorry. 

August 21

i had my mind preoccupied with a lot of things today and yesterday…  I went to Baclaran yesterday and today, Divisoria.  I was busy…  but checking my email, I saw the bereavement message from coop.  it brought back tears…  I thought I was a bit better coz I haven’t cried that much yesterday and today… but reading those messages from Eph, Larah, Johanna, Challene, Levy, I am far from over it.  I miss him so much… 

these past few days, I’ve been looking for something to do…  I want to join a group, I want to be active, I want Angel Duc to be proud of me but look at me, I’m stuck at home feeling restless and empty.  I know I have to do something, something selfless.  I read this Pepsico article where the CEO just admitted that women can’t have everything…  family vs career.  And it led me to think that God might really have something else in mind for me, not motherhood.  If I have been a mother to Angel Duc, that would have had my life focused on family for at least 3 years.  I would’ve given up everything, made everything less of a priority over family… not even family but my sons.  But right now, I’m still waiting… waiting for God to show me the way.  I’m being impatient… I want to start what He wants me to do… because it helps me to think and feel less of this devastating loss… to replace my grief with salvation. 

August 18

Everytime I see your video, it breaks my heart so much.  I couldn’t do anything to save you, i’m sorry that my family didn’t see how strong and brave you are… how grown up you look.  You didn’t look like a 1 month old baby anymore but so much more mature.  I’m so proud of the fight you fought, you could’ve grown up to be so strong and such a blessed baby, boy, man.  It breaks my heart so much that I won’t see you as you grow old…  how you will affect our lives, your dad and your big brother Vino.  But I promise you that even if you’re not in our mortal world anymore, your 1 ½ months stay with us will forever change us…  because of you, I now value family – Mom, Dad and sisters, cousins and relatives.  I will nurture my relationship with them and see where I can help.  Your dad and me are now stronger and closer, and have appreciated the value of each other in our lives.  I have become closer to God, and somehow I got ahold of this book “Raw Faith” where I’m learning so much on how I can make my relationship with God stronger.  I now see the importance of connection with other people, that those are the most important things, not money, not accomplishment. 

I want you to be proud of me from heaven, and that you are so full of joy up above.  I want to have this image of you happy, playing, healthy and contented. 

Jans - That is beautiful. Thank you for sharing that me, I will treasure that forever. He is so proud of you. We are so proud of you and admire you for your strength and courage ate. Thank you for staying strong for him and for us.

Jans: 

August 16

we visited Angel Duc at St Therese... first time after his burial.  i was calm and just cried a few tears.

Everytime i see anything related to him, i think that i somehow try to block whatever.  it hurts so much... so so much.  i still feel that it's all a dream, that i never happened, that i'll just go back to being who i am and who we are before i got pregnant.  the hurt and pain is that bad... but i know... because of my unconditional love for Angel Duc, i will fight all this hurt and pain, and will be the most ideal for him.  That is his purpose.  i miss him so much.  i want to go back to NICU2 to just remember but i'm scared of how it will affect me.  but i know i need to go back there...  i think that will help me free my hurt/resentment/pain.

August 15

I woke up twice – at 1230am and at 330am.  I read the kerygma, the readings were about Mama Mary, the assumption.  How she just trusted God, did not question what He planned for her and went with the plan with grace.  I can relate a little bit with Mama Mary in the sense that our son suffered physically in this earth and was taken away.  I realized that Angel Duc’s purpose was really for me…  to convert me.  I’ve always had this misconception that I’m a good person, but with all that’s happened, I don’t believe it anymore.  I may not be committing grievous sins but I’m so much far from being Christ-like.  I’m an impatient person, and I want things in the proper ways.  This may be ideal in some situations but in terms of personal relationships, this hurts a lot of people.  I have a lot of things to reflect and change…  I will do all of those things for Angel Duc.  It is soo sad that things had to go this way, that my baby had to go thru that for me to realize.  I don’t know if this is the big picture God wanted for us…  I’m sorry for being this way and I will do everything in my power to make you proud my Angel Duc.  I love you so much my Angel Duc. 

I also read “Raw Faith”.  That was actually the time that I realized this – it also talked about faith and how you just obey.  If God is calling you, just obey and that is what faith is all about.  I remember that there have been a lot of instance where there was an invite for me and toping to join the couples for Christ and I always turn it down thinking that we’re not ready… not ready to leave Vino, not ready to make that commitment.  But I think it might be God’s calling.  If we had gone thru that, would this have happened?  So many questions, it’s hard to think and think. 

I miss him so much, I love, love, LOVE you, Angel Duc!!! 

August 14..

I was packing away my breastpump…  my connection by Baby Duc while I’m at home.  I have been laboring over pumping my milk, 4 times a day making sure I have at least 60mL of milk collected.  My labor of love that he only was able to taste 3 times in his 1.5 months of life.  I have been preparing to breastfeed for as long as I can, reading through Breastfeeding Pinay forum in FB.  I’m grateful to Nurse Mao for motivating me to pump my milk.  Baby couldn’t latch yet so I really tried hard to use pump to draw out my milk.  It hurts so much talaga… why?  I love you so much and I will never grow tired of saying it.  I hope that Angel Duc can feel all the love and happiness he missed here on earth.  

I thought that God will save him because He gave me so much milk but it wasn’t meant to be.  For 1.5 months, I have been hoping that eventually I will feed him.  It hurts so much. 

August 14

    

I see things that I could’ve done with Angel Duc…  playing, new toys, new stuff, just feeling the love from all the family.  But as Toping said, he is in such a better place and he doesn’t want us to feel sad and lonely.  My Angel Duc is just very selfless.  It still hurts that he spent his days in this earth with physical hurt.  I have this resentment in me of what he experienced.  But in kerygma, it says I need to replace resentment with love. 

Yesterday, I went to Baclaran with Mom and Auntie Lisa, we rode the UV express.  I got so worried with mom because it was so hot and crowded, she might faint or have a panic attack.  But she just went on with her business.  When I had my alone time, I broke down again.  This Novena prayer to Perpetual Help was the prayer I have been praying everyday for Angel Duc, but it didn’t seem to work on him.  I feel so much hurt talaga, why it didn’t work.  But I know in my mind that God answers all our prayers in the way that is best for us.  My prayer was for the complete, full and speedy recovery of Baby Duc.  When we got to that part where we had to say our personal intentions, that’s where I broke down.  Why??  Why pa rin??  My heart can’t understand it but my mind knows the answer.  I need to fill my heart with joy, love, hope and faith again.  Lord God, help me do that.  I need to give my life to others.  Angel Duc, this is for you – me giving my life to others.  Lord God, help me.  I want to do this for my Angel.  I love him so much.

Part of my heart is black, void, empty...  I feel this emptiness when I’m alone with my thoughts… when Vino is off to school and Hane is off to work... I have been waking up at 4AM with a heavy heart full of despair, grief and resentment.  My alarm goes off at 5:15 AM and I snap out of my reverie.  I read the daily readings in Kerygma, I read it with my mind but it doesn’t seem reach my heart. 

I hope to be free of this sadness, and I know in time I will get there.  There are still big parts of my heart that is alive, living for Vino and Hane, and my family.

August 13

Still dealing with pain.  My heart is still so heavy.  I woke up at 4am… decided to read kerygma.  The responsorial psalm is about glorifying the Lord.  But I can’t seem to bring my heart to sing glory.  Sorry Lord God, but I still feel that you let me down.  There is just so much hurt.  I keep thinking about Baby Duc suffering with all those needles and the dressing.  It’s soo unfair.  Why did he have to suffer like that… as a baby.  I let my baby down.  I’m soo sorry.  I was thinking about what bits and I talked about.  I experienced this because I’m a bad person.  I didn’t treat my family right, I am so impatient, I close off a lot of people, I act like I’m high and mighty.  Hay Lord God, I have all these hurts and I will keep turning to you until I understand what you want me to understand.  So much hurt. 

I remember my times with Baby Duc when I was doing the skin-to-skin.  I could last 2-3 hours just staying in that position with my baby on my chest, his right ear near my heart.  As soon as he finds a comfortable position, he gives this small sigh and goes right to sleep.  I love, love, love that.  and I would hum “Close to you” song so that he would match that song with the feeling of contentment.  It just hurts so much.  I can’t say this enough, I love him so so so much.  I hope that you are looking down on me and just loving me too, and not sad anymore.  I want to have that image of Baby Duc in the arms of Papa Jesus and Mama Mary, with the look of utter contentment and happiness.  Lolo Jaime, Lola Luz, Lola Coring, Lola Gab, Lola Fe, Auntie Linda surrounding him with so much love.  I love you so much Baby Duc.  Words are not enough to tell you my love.  I miss you so much.  I just wish that you are here with me, and I will make your life the happiest. 

Until now, I keep thinking about what we did wrong. 

august 11

when i'm busy, i forget.  i have been busy helping vino with his long test and i'm thankful for being busy.  but there are moments of grief.  now i know the meaning of grief.  i've been reading, using that word but haven't really felt with with my whole being.  i miss him so much.  i've spent everyday caring for him...  even by just caressing him, helping him to sit down, talking to him, kissing his face, tummy arms, the middle of his eye brows.  i don't know if he likes the kisses, sometimes, he closes his eyes when i kiss him.  i don't think it makes him feel good, but i feel good kissing him.  i feel like i could've done more... but thinking about it, i don't know anymore.  i just miss him so much...  i want to hug him, cuddle him and spend more and more time with him.  my baby Duc.  i've spent so much energy and emotion in just a span of 48 days...  i don't know what to write anymore.  my heart is so heavy, i feel like life is unfair.  i say that it's God's will, that it's better this way.  but deep down, i feel bitter.  i feel like it's such a waste...  i've spent 9 months caring for him inside me, and 48 days of caring for him in the hospital - not the kind of special caring that normal mothers give.  i feel like we didn't give him what he really deserves.  i still feel so much hurt that God allowed this to happen.  i know i shouldn't be feeling this way but my raw emotions says that.  there are times when i just cry and i shake my head, disbelieving all the things that happened.  i feel so sad, grief-stricken, heart-broken, devastated for my angel duc.  Duc... duc... i'm so sorry for giving you this disease or disorder or whatever this is.  you never ever deserved that.  i'm sorry for not cuddling you as i should've cuddled you.  i'm sorry that i wasn't able to feed you with my precious breastmilk.  i'm sorry that you had to stay in nicu with the lights always open, that nurses had to always stick needles in you, they had to dress your ileostomy.  i'm sorry for the times that you felt uncomfortable and i wasn't there to make you feel better.  i'm sorry that i didn't do everything in my power to save you.  i love you so much Duc...  i love you so much!  

Right now, i'm still hovering over all this... i feel like it hasn't really truly dawned on me.  it just hurts but i feel like there's more inside me that wants to go out and feel.  my heart is heavy and i feel like i haven't brought out everything.  i don't know what will happen.  

August 1

Yesterday was another bleak day for us...they stopped trial feeding for the 3rd time.  It was such a devastating news but God gave us small gifts to help... hane went home early from a plant tour so i didnt go thru it alone.  Tuazon immediately asked for xray and 2nd opinion.  Hane and I had some precious moments, prayed the rosary, talked - what the Lord wanted us to learn, that we both just want to serve and help, i told him my plan to have a savings fund for helping.  I felt connected to him at a deeper level and i thank God for the gift of him.

I know deep inside that the Lord will save baby duc.  He gave me so much breastmilk, He saved baby by delivering him just in time, He made baby duc to be such a fighter.  And i cant wait to get to know him as he grows up.  He is such a precious gift and just looking in his eyes, i feel all the love and connection with him.