August 15

I woke up twice – at 1230am and at 330am.  I read the kerygma, the readings were about Mama Mary, the assumption.  How she just trusted God, did not question what He planned for her and went with the plan with grace.  I can relate a little bit with Mama Mary in the sense that our son suffered physically in this earth and was taken away.  I realized that Angel Duc’s purpose was really for me…  to convert me.  I’ve always had this misconception that I’m a good person, but with all that’s happened, I don’t believe it anymore.  I may not be committing grievous sins but I’m so much far from being Christ-like.  I’m an impatient person, and I want things in the proper ways.  This may be ideal in some situations but in terms of personal relationships, this hurts a lot of people.  I have a lot of things to reflect and change…  I will do all of those things for Angel Duc.  It is soo sad that things had to go this way, that my baby had to go thru that for me to realize.  I don’t know if this is the big picture God wanted for us…  I’m sorry for being this way and I will do everything in my power to make you proud my Angel Duc.  I love you so much my Angel Duc. 

I also read “Raw Faith”.  That was actually the time that I realized this – it also talked about faith and how you just obey.  If God is calling you, just obey and that is what faith is all about.  I remember that there have been a lot of instance where there was an invite for me and toping to join the couples for Christ and I always turn it down thinking that we’re not ready… not ready to leave Vino, not ready to make that commitment.  But I think it might be God’s calling.  If we had gone thru that, would this have happened?  So many questions, it’s hard to think and think. 

I miss him so much, I love, love, LOVE you, Angel Duc!!! 

August 14..

I was packing away my breastpump…  my connection by Baby Duc while I’m at home.  I have been laboring over pumping my milk, 4 times a day making sure I have at least 60mL of milk collected.  My labor of love that he only was able to taste 3 times in his 1.5 months of life.  I have been preparing to breastfeed for as long as I can, reading through Breastfeeding Pinay forum in FB.  I’m grateful to Nurse Mao for motivating me to pump my milk.  Baby couldn’t latch yet so I really tried hard to use pump to draw out my milk.  It hurts so much talaga… why?  I love you so much and I will never grow tired of saying it.  I hope that Angel Duc can feel all the love and happiness he missed here on earth.  

I thought that God will save him because He gave me so much milk but it wasn’t meant to be.  For 1.5 months, I have been hoping that eventually I will feed him.  It hurts so much. 

August 14

    

I see things that I could’ve done with Angel Duc…  playing, new toys, new stuff, just feeling the love from all the family.  But as Toping said, he is in such a better place and he doesn’t want us to feel sad and lonely.  My Angel Duc is just very selfless.  It still hurts that he spent his days in this earth with physical hurt.  I have this resentment in me of what he experienced.  But in kerygma, it says I need to replace resentment with love. 

Yesterday, I went to Baclaran with Mom and Auntie Lisa, we rode the UV express.  I got so worried with mom because it was so hot and crowded, she might faint or have a panic attack.  But she just went on with her business.  When I had my alone time, I broke down again.  This Novena prayer to Perpetual Help was the prayer I have been praying everyday for Angel Duc, but it didn’t seem to work on him.  I feel so much hurt talaga, why it didn’t work.  But I know in my mind that God answers all our prayers in the way that is best for us.  My prayer was for the complete, full and speedy recovery of Baby Duc.  When we got to that part where we had to say our personal intentions, that’s where I broke down.  Why??  Why pa rin??  My heart can’t understand it but my mind knows the answer.  I need to fill my heart with joy, love, hope and faith again.  Lord God, help me do that.  I need to give my life to others.  Angel Duc, this is for you – me giving my life to others.  Lord God, help me.  I want to do this for my Angel.  I love him so much.

Part of my heart is black, void, empty...  I feel this emptiness when I’m alone with my thoughts… when Vino is off to school and Hane is off to work... I have been waking up at 4AM with a heavy heart full of despair, grief and resentment.  My alarm goes off at 5:15 AM and I snap out of my reverie.  I read the daily readings in Kerygma, I read it with my mind but it doesn’t seem reach my heart. 

I hope to be free of this sadness, and I know in time I will get there.  There are still big parts of my heart that is alive, living for Vino and Hane, and my family.

August 13

Still dealing with pain.  My heart is still so heavy.  I woke up at 4am… decided to read kerygma.  The responsorial psalm is about glorifying the Lord.  But I can’t seem to bring my heart to sing glory.  Sorry Lord God, but I still feel that you let me down.  There is just so much hurt.  I keep thinking about Baby Duc suffering with all those needles and the dressing.  It’s soo unfair.  Why did he have to suffer like that… as a baby.  I let my baby down.  I’m soo sorry.  I was thinking about what bits and I talked about.  I experienced this because I’m a bad person.  I didn’t treat my family right, I am so impatient, I close off a lot of people, I act like I’m high and mighty.  Hay Lord God, I have all these hurts and I will keep turning to you until I understand what you want me to understand.  So much hurt. 

I remember my times with Baby Duc when I was doing the skin-to-skin.  I could last 2-3 hours just staying in that position with my baby on my chest, his right ear near my heart.  As soon as he finds a comfortable position, he gives this small sigh and goes right to sleep.  I love, love, love that.  and I would hum “Close to you” song so that he would match that song with the feeling of contentment.  It just hurts so much.  I can’t say this enough, I love him so so so much.  I hope that you are looking down on me and just loving me too, and not sad anymore.  I want to have that image of Baby Duc in the arms of Papa Jesus and Mama Mary, with the look of utter contentment and happiness.  Lolo Jaime, Lola Luz, Lola Coring, Lola Gab, Lola Fe, Auntie Linda surrounding him with so much love.  I love you so much Baby Duc.  Words are not enough to tell you my love.  I miss you so much.  I just wish that you are here with me, and I will make your life the happiest. 

Until now, I keep thinking about what we did wrong. 

august 11

when i'm busy, i forget.  i have been busy helping vino with his long test and i'm thankful for being busy.  but there are moments of grief.  now i know the meaning of grief.  i've been reading, using that word but haven't really felt with with my whole being.  i miss him so much.  i've spent everyday caring for him...  even by just caressing him, helping him to sit down, talking to him, kissing his face, tummy arms, the middle of his eye brows.  i don't know if he likes the kisses, sometimes, he closes his eyes when i kiss him.  i don't think it makes him feel good, but i feel good kissing him.  i feel like i could've done more... but thinking about it, i don't know anymore.  i just miss him so much...  i want to hug him, cuddle him and spend more and more time with him.  my baby Duc.  i've spent so much energy and emotion in just a span of 48 days...  i don't know what to write anymore.  my heart is so heavy, i feel like life is unfair.  i say that it's God's will, that it's better this way.  but deep down, i feel bitter.  i feel like it's such a waste...  i've spent 9 months caring for him inside me, and 48 days of caring for him in the hospital - not the kind of special caring that normal mothers give.  i feel like we didn't give him what he really deserves.  i still feel so much hurt that God allowed this to happen.  i know i shouldn't be feeling this way but my raw emotions says that.  there are times when i just cry and i shake my head, disbelieving all the things that happened.  i feel so sad, grief-stricken, heart-broken, devastated for my angel duc.  Duc... duc... i'm so sorry for giving you this disease or disorder or whatever this is.  you never ever deserved that.  i'm sorry for not cuddling you as i should've cuddled you.  i'm sorry that i wasn't able to feed you with my precious breastmilk.  i'm sorry that you had to stay in nicu with the lights always open, that nurses had to always stick needles in you, they had to dress your ileostomy.  i'm sorry for the times that you felt uncomfortable and i wasn't there to make you feel better.  i'm sorry that i didn't do everything in my power to save you.  i love you so much Duc...  i love you so much!  

Right now, i'm still hovering over all this... i feel like it hasn't really truly dawned on me.  it just hurts but i feel like there's more inside me that wants to go out and feel.  my heart is heavy and i feel like i haven't brought out everything.  i don't know what will happen.