August 22

I don’t think the pain will ever go away… it will always be there for my Angel Duc.  There will be days where I will be busy, focused on other things in life, but the minute I will remember or see something of Angel Duc, the same intense pain will come again.  That is why these past few days, I’ve been looking for things that will keep me busy…  I feel depressed that I don’t have anything that makes me passionate to do it.  Even with Vino, it is a struggle because he is at the point where he is starting to be naughty and learn some bad things.  My patience is wearing thin when he gets this way, but I know that this is the time that I should exercise more patience… this is one of the critical points in a child’s life, to understand and know good vs bad. 

I also got a message yesterday, that I don’t need to look outside for people to help… but I just need to look at people around me and help them!  why do I need to go far when I’m surrounded by people who may need help.  Bits, Auntie Lisa, the barkadings…  how do I help them?  I thought of just leading them to the feast but seems to be not working. 

I feel so bleak pa rin.  Kanina after mass, or even during mass, I really felt so desolate.  What is life’s purpose?  I’d rather be in heaven then here on earth.  But that’s the case, for us to get to heaven, we have to do well on earth.  Hay Lord God, you keep talking to me and I love you for it.  Angel Duc!!  You are my miracle, you are my blessing, you are my heart.  The pain is just unbearable and I feel like I’m lost.  So lost.  I feel like I don’t know me anymore, I don’t know how to act.  Am I going to the right path? 

Right now, I don’t have any passion.  I watch TV to escape from the pain.  I play candy crush, do some organizing at home just to take my mind off the pain.

Bechu lying

I have been noticing how Bechu has been lying…  I sometimes hear him tell stories to JC and Francis, and I hear the 2 boys say that he’s lying.  Even with me, I catch him lying like the time when someone called me at home, and he said I wasn’t around. 

Thank goodness for the website, I saw some tips that can help me.  apparently all the things I’ve been doing are a no-no…  being accusatory, saying liar and bad person.  I need to understand where he is coming from, why he is lying.  It says there that somehow, it covers feeling of low self-esteem, or not wanting to disappoint parents.  I need to be more attuned to him…  I will never use liar or bad person again.  What I can do is try to verbalize why he told stories and go from there.  I’m sorry. 

August 21

i had my mind preoccupied with a lot of things today and yesterday…  I went to Baclaran yesterday and today, Divisoria.  I was busy…  but checking my email, I saw the bereavement message from coop.  it brought back tears…  I thought I was a bit better coz I haven’t cried that much yesterday and today… but reading those messages from Eph, Larah, Johanna, Challene, Levy, I am far from over it.  I miss him so much… 

these past few days, I’ve been looking for something to do…  I want to join a group, I want to be active, I want Angel Duc to be proud of me but look at me, I’m stuck at home feeling restless and empty.  I know I have to do something, something selfless.  I read this Pepsico article where the CEO just admitted that women can’t have everything…  family vs career.  And it led me to think that God might really have something else in mind for me, not motherhood.  If I have been a mother to Angel Duc, that would have had my life focused on family for at least 3 years.  I would’ve given up everything, made everything less of a priority over family… not even family but my sons.  But right now, I’m still waiting… waiting for God to show me the way.  I’m being impatient… I want to start what He wants me to do… because it helps me to think and feel less of this devastating loss… to replace my grief with salvation. 

August 18

Everytime I see your video, it breaks my heart so much.  I couldn’t do anything to save you, i’m sorry that my family didn’t see how strong and brave you are… how grown up you look.  You didn’t look like a 1 month old baby anymore but so much more mature.  I’m so proud of the fight you fought, you could’ve grown up to be so strong and such a blessed baby, boy, man.  It breaks my heart so much that I won’t see you as you grow old…  how you will affect our lives, your dad and your big brother Vino.  But I promise you that even if you’re not in our mortal world anymore, your 1 ½ months stay with us will forever change us…  because of you, I now value family – Mom, Dad and sisters, cousins and relatives.  I will nurture my relationship with them and see where I can help.  Your dad and me are now stronger and closer, and have appreciated the value of each other in our lives.  I have become closer to God, and somehow I got ahold of this book “Raw Faith” where I’m learning so much on how I can make my relationship with God stronger.  I now see the importance of connection with other people, that those are the most important things, not money, not accomplishment. 

I want you to be proud of me from heaven, and that you are so full of joy up above.  I want to have this image of you happy, playing, healthy and contented. 

Jans - That is beautiful. Thank you for sharing that me, I will treasure that forever. He is so proud of you. We are so proud of you and admire you for your strength and courage ate. Thank you for staying strong for him and for us.

Jans: 

August 16

we visited Angel Duc at St Therese... first time after his burial.  i was calm and just cried a few tears.

Everytime i see anything related to him, i think that i somehow try to block whatever.  it hurts so much... so so much.  i still feel that it's all a dream, that i never happened, that i'll just go back to being who i am and who we are before i got pregnant.  the hurt and pain is that bad... but i know... because of my unconditional love for Angel Duc, i will fight all this hurt and pain, and will be the most ideal for him.  That is his purpose.  i miss him so much.  i want to go back to NICU2 to just remember but i'm scared of how it will affect me.  but i know i need to go back there...  i think that will help me free my hurt/resentment/pain.