1st year...

Happy birthday my angel Duc.  It’s been a year…  still so very painful.  I can’t… don’t talk about it that much.  I don’t know… I don’t want to talk because I’ll end up crying and where will it take me… the people just don’t know what to say and it will end up very awkward.  But I want to talk about it… 

It’s been so hard… when I see babies, when I see pregnant women, when I see the women who were pregnant at the same time I was pregnant.  Until now, my heart is asking why…  I still get so hurt and emotional when I really think about it.  I’m not in a good place yet… don’t know if I will ever be.  I don’t even want to think of having a baby that can replace this despair that I feel.  I think deep inside, everything is still a mess… but I’m operating on auto pilot showing everyone I’m okay, making sure they don’t get worried about me.  But if I just dig deep, it’s all still there. 

I know Angel Duc is in such a better place right now but why can’t he be with me?  Haay Lord… I know I’m regressing, let me feel this and let it all out.  My mind is saying all the right things… I will never ever know in my lifetime why this has happened.  So all I’m looking forward to is just the life after death… being together with Angel Duc and the Holy Family.  That is really the main goal in life… aiming for that life after death. 

Angel Duc, when I see you I will smother you with kisses and hugs, I will not let you go…  I will give you all the love that I can give.  I will show you pictures of your dad and your brother.  What would you have become?  It’s good that my mind does not even try to think of what could’ve been? 

I worry about a lot of things… i worry that i'm not mourning properly... i worry that what i'm going right now is not enough...  just let go... let God.  right now, i feel so disconnected.  I will spend time with you just to reconnect.  

August 29

I’m pushing myself to have passion back to work… but I keep on dreaming about just having a family… taking care of the baby and just being a mother/wife.  Nothing else is more important…  but more of cultivating the relationships. 

I should just make my work a means to an end.  I will work to get money, and to cultivate relationships.  Help me to focus on that and give it my hundred percent.  Angel Duc, this is all for you… I love you so much… so very very much!

August 28

Still pains me… the thing that triggered it was when I saw July 31.  I remember writing that on a piece of paper because I wanted to monitor and really have my documentation of the sequence of events of the 3^rdtrial feeding of Baby Duc.  I miss him so much… I hate this feeling.  I feel so desolate.  Again, I ask the question why it had to happen.  I love him so much but he just had to go back to Papa Jesus.  I had a talk with Mae and she was brave enough to just say if I need anyone to talk to, she’s there.  I talked about it so clinically so that I won’t burst into tears…  I want to cry… just to let it all out.  when my mind goes back to those days, I feel so hopeless.  I don’t know what God has in store for us… what I’ve been getting from the bible and daily readings is just to make sure that my insides are clean.  I guess inside I’m a mess.  I have all these negative/bad thoughts?  I need to clean them.  I don’t know.  I want to run… to escape.  I want to be given big work to do so that I can focus on that.  I miss him so much… He would have been 2.5 months and probably can carry his head.  I hate this.  why pa rin??  It hurts so much.

August 26

Woke up feeling down again… like I have nothing to look forward to.  Past few days were good, I had visitors – lyn/ley/bot, ate jing.  Those really helped me to not dwell.  But today, KrisTv featured Mariah Carey songs – the song that triggered my painful memory again was actually a love song – love lost.  But every line was so aligned with what I’m feeling…  escape from the pain, part of me died.  Angel Duc, I miss you so much.  You would’ve been 2 months already, I would have been pumping like crazy so that you’ll have your breastmilk.  It hurts so much.  The pain is still as intense, I feel physical heaviness in my heart.  I don’t want to think about what-ifs anymore.  it’s just so painful and what will it bring me… just more pain. 

And I know you’re shining down on me from heaven.  And I know eventually we’ll be together… one sweet day.

August 22

I don’t think the pain will ever go away… it will always be there for my Angel Duc.  There will be days where I will be busy, focused on other things in life, but the minute I will remember or see something of Angel Duc, the same intense pain will come again.  That is why these past few days, I’ve been looking for things that will keep me busy…  I feel depressed that I don’t have anything that makes me passionate to do it.  Even with Vino, it is a struggle because he is at the point where he is starting to be naughty and learn some bad things.  My patience is wearing thin when he gets this way, but I know that this is the time that I should exercise more patience… this is one of the critical points in a child’s life, to understand and know good vs bad. 

I also got a message yesterday, that I don’t need to look outside for people to help… but I just need to look at people around me and help them!  why do I need to go far when I’m surrounded by people who may need help.  Bits, Auntie Lisa, the barkadings…  how do I help them?  I thought of just leading them to the feast but seems to be not working. 

I feel so bleak pa rin.  Kanina after mass, or even during mass, I really felt so desolate.  What is life’s purpose?  I’d rather be in heaven then here on earth.  But that’s the case, for us to get to heaven, we have to do well on earth.  Hay Lord God, you keep talking to me and I love you for it.  Angel Duc!!  You are my miracle, you are my blessing, you are my heart.  The pain is just unbearable and I feel like I’m lost.  So lost.  I feel like I don’t know me anymore, I don’t know how to act.  Am I going to the right path? 

Right now, I don’t have any passion.  I watch TV to escape from the pain.  I play candy crush, do some organizing at home just to take my mind off the pain.