a moment of homesickness

I just had this sudden and great urge to go home. I might cry again. I just miss my honey and I'm wondering what I'm doing here when I should be back home fixing my marriage and just be surrounded by my family… my comfort zone. Right now, I suddenly feel like such an alien here.
And suddenly, I felt better again. Emotions are so powerful and so deceiving. If you let yourself go and feel, you'll never be completely satisfied. I just had this very interesting talk with a married man. He talked about how money should be controlled by the wife. This restricts the man from doing things he's not supposed to do as a married man, be it women, booze or gambling. Right now, I don't believe in that yet. I have complete trust in my fiance and I don't want to be restricting him just to prevent him from doing bad things. It should be coming from him. Maybe in a few years time, I might have a change of heart. Hmmm… something to talk about with my honey.

lapit na...

am back here again in singapore waiting for my flight to johannesburg. i'm so tired right now i just want to whine. i want to forget first to be positive and to control these emotions and just wallow in my tiredness. i'm a little bit worried on this hitch because i know i'm not gonna be 100% focused on my work coz i'll be worrying about our big day. how will i survive? mygash, just thinking about it is making my head hurt and that's the last thing i need right now. i'm so tired, my eyes are drooping already, my back is aching, my tummy is bloated with air, my spirit is a little bit down. i probably should've bought the creative vision M coz it might cheer my up just a little bit. as bad as it sounds, i'm not really looking forward to anything back in camp. i hope that i'll get to find something or someone to motivate me. hmmm... which reminds me... there's an invite for a bible study. i know You might be calling me... hay, i'm one tough bullheaded cookie! kulit!

well, i hope everything will be fine.

right sacrifices

it was painful to decide, but 'we' decided to forego the opportunity to be on expat assignment. just writing about it, i feel so very nostalgic. that was such a great opportunity, job-wise and exposure-wise, working in a refinery and just surrounded by downstream operations. I would've enjoyed being challenged like that. but it just came at the wrong time when my personal life is coming into play as the top priority in my life. i don't know if i would still get to have this type of opportunity and i don't know if i'm gonna regret ever having made this decision. this would've made my parents proud. hay... life. i choose to make my marriage life the major point in my life, right now. and i'm just gonna trust in You, Lord God. you know what's best and i believe you were pointing me to this direction. and i'm happy that my hane also sees it that God has something better planned for us. and i believe that.
it's good to imagine what it would be like to be an expat. wow. that would've been fun.

so sad

it's so sad. why do we keep hurting each other with arguments? i'm so lost. i know in my heart i'd give up anything just to make this relationship work. but why can't i do it? H is right that i don't make myself aware all the time of each action that i do. but i just don't know. how can i be aware? i don't understand anymore. Lord God, i know You have something for me here but i just can't get it. it's always been like this... for more than 5 years. and we shouldn't be reaching this level of fighting anymore. diba? i'm so tired. is it because we're not really meant to be? is that it? Is that it, Lord God? i don't know what to do. Lead me. i just want to concentrate on myself muna and reflect on the things that make us end up with that.

career??

Hay… I don't know if I'm being dramatic, but I feel that I've just ruined my career here in shared. Well, now that I thought of it, I might be the one who made the wrong move. It's just bad that I had to find out that my friend is not really acting like a friend. I dunno. It's a realization and I guess I should be grateful for it. Hay Lord God, this is just something that I have to go thru. What do you want me to realize here. It's one factor on top of another factor… and every time I peel away something, it give me another thing to peel out. It's just one issue after another. And I know that you just want to keep me on track. Coz you're always paving the way for me to go to the decision with what I think is right. Am I making sense at all?