slump

It’s so hard…  to be in this situation where I’m constantly looking out for my finances, to always think about things that I need to pay directly out of my salary.  I used to just have tons of savings and if I have to pay insurance or car repair or just plan for vacation – I can just take it out from the savings and go about my salary regularly.  I’m tired of worrying about how I’m going to pay for the next big item…  next big item is the insurance from hane.  I just calculated and annually, I need to shell out 190k just to keep up with the insurance.  I’m tired.  I’m hearing my friends plan for trips to japan or out of the country.  I couldn’t even plan for an out of town trip.  I’m so tired.  I know Lord God, that this is reality and I need to carry my cross.  I’m just ranting now…  that’s probably why I feel so down and depressed.  I haven’t been thinking too much about my angel…  but I know Lord God, you’re constantly there, picking up small pieces so I don’t break down.  Talk about ungratefulness noh.  I’m just not used to being like this for long time.  This is the worst financial slump I’ve ever been in.  completely no savings – completely not liquid.  Completely always recalculating when I’m going to get money.. next payday, next bonus, the last payment of my numerous loans.  Lord God, help me get through this… I don’t want to burden Hane with all this… he’s always so positive.  He’s used to this situation… he’s been there before when he was young and supporting his siblings.  As for me, this is the first time.  It’s so hard…  but this will make me stronger, this will make me appreciate the value of money, make me value things above – not the earthly things.  It’s hard when you’re surrounded by too much material things… too much focus on earthly things.  I need to detach but I shouldn’t detach.  I think I need to just be open about it that I’m in this situation.

1st year...

Happy birthday my angel Duc.  It’s been a year…  still so very painful.  I can’t… don’t talk about it that much.  I don’t know… I don’t want to talk because I’ll end up crying and where will it take me… the people just don’t know what to say and it will end up very awkward.  But I want to talk about it… 

It’s been so hard… when I see babies, when I see pregnant women, when I see the women who were pregnant at the same time I was pregnant.  Until now, my heart is asking why…  I still get so hurt and emotional when I really think about it.  I’m not in a good place yet… don’t know if I will ever be.  I don’t even want to think of having a baby that can replace this despair that I feel.  I think deep inside, everything is still a mess… but I’m operating on auto pilot showing everyone I’m okay, making sure they don’t get worried about me.  But if I just dig deep, it’s all still there. 

I know Angel Duc is in such a better place right now but why can’t he be with me?  Haay Lord… I know I’m regressing, let me feel this and let it all out.  My mind is saying all the right things… I will never ever know in my lifetime why this has happened.  So all I’m looking forward to is just the life after death… being together with Angel Duc and the Holy Family.  That is really the main goal in life… aiming for that life after death. 

Angel Duc, when I see you I will smother you with kisses and hugs, I will not let you go…  I will give you all the love that I can give.  I will show you pictures of your dad and your brother.  What would you have become?  It’s good that my mind does not even try to think of what could’ve been? 

I worry about a lot of things… i worry that i'm not mourning properly... i worry that what i'm going right now is not enough...  just let go... let God.  right now, i feel so disconnected.  I will spend time with you just to reconnect.  

August 29

I’m pushing myself to have passion back to work… but I keep on dreaming about just having a family… taking care of the baby and just being a mother/wife.  Nothing else is more important…  but more of cultivating the relationships. 

I should just make my work a means to an end.  I will work to get money, and to cultivate relationships.  Help me to focus on that and give it my hundred percent.  Angel Duc, this is all for you… I love you so much… so very very much!

August 28

Still pains me… the thing that triggered it was when I saw July 31.  I remember writing that on a piece of paper because I wanted to monitor and really have my documentation of the sequence of events of the 3^rdtrial feeding of Baby Duc.  I miss him so much… I hate this feeling.  I feel so desolate.  Again, I ask the question why it had to happen.  I love him so much but he just had to go back to Papa Jesus.  I had a talk with Mae and she was brave enough to just say if I need anyone to talk to, she’s there.  I talked about it so clinically so that I won’t burst into tears…  I want to cry… just to let it all out.  when my mind goes back to those days, I feel so hopeless.  I don’t know what God has in store for us… what I’ve been getting from the bible and daily readings is just to make sure that my insides are clean.  I guess inside I’m a mess.  I have all these negative/bad thoughts?  I need to clean them.  I don’t know.  I want to run… to escape.  I want to be given big work to do so that I can focus on that.  I miss him so much… He would have been 2.5 months and probably can carry his head.  I hate this.  why pa rin??  It hurts so much.

August 26

Woke up feeling down again… like I have nothing to look forward to.  Past few days were good, I had visitors – lyn/ley/bot, ate jing.  Those really helped me to not dwell.  But today, KrisTv featured Mariah Carey songs – the song that triggered my painful memory again was actually a love song – love lost.  But every line was so aligned with what I’m feeling…  escape from the pain, part of me died.  Angel Duc, I miss you so much.  You would’ve been 2 months already, I would have been pumping like crazy so that you’ll have your breastmilk.  It hurts so much.  The pain is still as intense, I feel physical heaviness in my heart.  I don’t want to think about what-ifs anymore.  it’s just so painful and what will it bring me… just more pain. 

And I know you’re shining down on me from heaven.  And I know eventually we’ll be together… one sweet day.