so sad

it's so sad. why do we keep hurting each other with arguments? i'm so lost. i know in my heart i'd give up anything just to make this relationship work. but why can't i do it? H is right that i don't make myself aware all the time of each action that i do. but i just don't know. how can i be aware? i don't understand anymore. Lord God, i know You have something for me here but i just can't get it. it's always been like this... for more than 5 years. and we shouldn't be reaching this level of fighting anymore. diba? i'm so tired. is it because we're not really meant to be? is that it? Is that it, Lord God? i don't know what to do. Lead me. i just want to concentrate on myself muna and reflect on the things that make us end up with that.

career??

Hay… I don't know if I'm being dramatic, but I feel that I've just ruined my career here in shared. Well, now that I thought of it, I might be the one who made the wrong move. It's just bad that I had to find out that my friend is not really acting like a friend. I dunno. It's a realization and I guess I should be grateful for it. Hay Lord God, this is just something that I have to go thru. What do you want me to realize here. It's one factor on top of another factor… and every time I peel away something, it give me another thing to peel out. It's just one issue after another. And I know that you just want to keep me on track. Coz you're always paving the way for me to go to the decision with what I think is right. Am I making sense at all?

hectic

It's a shame. It's been such a hectic week, a roller coaster ride for my emotions. I've been up there with angst because of the big meeting with the comptrollers, felt tense when I was given limited time to present to them (which I think I did a good job of speaking so fast!), felt anger because some supervisors just want to overstate the time they spend their process just to get more people, felt very impatient when the comptroller just "shooed" me when they were discussing some important matters, felt so sad and betrayed when I learned that my next team (well, not anymore…) has pointed me as one of the TLs who'll do night shift while my "friends" are free from that terror! It's been one heluva see saw!
The one thing that stuck is how people just don't get how much I'm gonna prioritize my family now. Career over family? No way. Friends over family? Big HUH? How am I gonna get myself out of this mess? But definitely I'm not gonna stay there and take it. If I need to resign, I will. And I'm serious about this. I feel so betrayed that J and C allowed this to happen. Hello?!? They started with the implementation and they're gonna leave it and not sweat it out till the end?? That is soo unfair and I'm really gonna push to be here. I won't allow it to happen. If push comes to shove, I'm gonna push… push out of MSSC.
Lord God, am I doing the right thing? I know you want me not to go to nightshift. As you have said, go and multiply. Honor your husband. Just enlighten me. Take me out of this bad state of mind and feeling. Lord God, did I do something wrong that led me to this? Hay… whatever the case is, help me to get out of this situation and just do your will. Is that what you want from me? To go there? Hindi naman diba? Hay Lord God, basta I'll just put all my trust in you. Lead me Lord.

Let me just think what my strategy will be… need to talk to mark on what his directions are for this project. (but still have to pass thru the Christmas season.) From there, lead me.

fall all over again...

My hane just called. He was already in bed about to sleep and he just had this 'urge' to call me. It had been a very hectic week and we didn't have a good talk all thru out the week. So I really was missing him. I just fell in love w/ him all over again when he mentioned the US trip. I can't believe how lucky I am to find this man and spend my life with him. You know how people say that when they see the person they love happy, that's enough for them? To me, it sounded like a cliché, but when my honey talked about this, I realized what it meant and it was so true for him. And I just cried… I just feel so blessed and I feel like I want to give everything I have to him. Love really is powerful and I'm gonna do everything in my power to be the best for him. :)

taking a break

i've been checking out the photos on some of the wedding photographers online. some are just so beautiful, artistically done. some are just too plain. i admire those people who get so inspired with certin moods or images, and they start clicking away. and what comes out is the exact image or mood that they've thought of or even more. i'd love to freeze that moment in time when a certain act looks so beautiful, peaceful and touching. coz that's not gonna happen again and it's really critical for me to get the right photographer to capture this magical moment in me and my honey's life. :)

is that enough justification to get an excellent photographer, no matter how much it costs?? hope i get to convince my hane.

what now?

It's so weird why I'm feeling this way. I feel like I want more out of life. Am I ready to be tied down in marriage?
I guess this has been at the back of my mind but I've already set myself to be in the kind of lifestyle most people aim for. But now, I'm starting to enjoy life and just be free and meet other people. This trip to Africa has made me realize that I've just been too serious with a lot of things and now I'm more aware of the things and people around me and how to make it all fun. Now that I'm writing about it, it sounds pretty shallow. Hay… moods! Lord God, I just pray that whatever you "whisper" in my ear, I'll be able to hear you and listen. Open my heart, Lord God.

some article...

"A girl falls in love with a boy because he listens to her when she speaks, and remembers what she said a month ago. Love is sparked by the little things – the quiet word, the gesture of compassion, the look." –Father James B. Reuter, SJ

i'd love to be how lucy is with richard in a 7-year marriage. that article is so inspiring and really touched me. being so inlove in marriage. it's not about keeping a marriage but sustaining that "lovey-dovey" feeling after a long time of being together. my H is also like that, he's very touchy, holding my hand or just putting his hand on my leg or knee. this is one of the things that i appreciate about him. even if our minds are miles away, we still feel so connected with just one touch. small gestures like this give me comfort that he's near and he'll never let go. that's one thing i'm gonna pray for and work hard for... to keep being in love while married. i know that's a tall order but it's something to look forward to...

frustration!

it's so frustrating when you are surrounded by people who just don't understand! i know i'm being mean but can i just have this moment of bitchiness? everything here at work is falling to pieces because people just don't understand or just don't care. i want to help out... i really do.

I’m so pissed! Hay! I don’t’ know. I guess I just can’t do what needs to be done because I have to be courteous enough to pass thru the supervisor to get things going! I just find him to be somewhat of a pushover! Even his staff can push him around, I think. I know I should do something to help him out but right now I just want to vent out my anger! ARG!

sleepy at Changi

we're just waiting for our next flight from singapore to johannesburg. i'm back here again, travelling. nothing really new to me. i was more interested in the movies and music i'm gonna be checking out later. but i'm so sleepy, i don't think i'll finish 2 movies.

i was also checking the tag haeur watch and i'm loving it. i was planning to buy a his & hers but it's adding up to SGD 1142 each. and the singaporean guy was selling this limited edition one - only 600 in the whole wide world for 1197. i was seriously tempted. but i just have all my funds tied up. hay.. money... what do we do without it...

my hane just texted me promising me that he's not gonna make me cry. hmmm... that's a first from him... i'm actually quite happy and feeling apprehensive at the same time. it was so good to 'hear' it from him and i'm feeling hopeful about it. so no buts. i truly believe in my heart that he's the one for me and all it takes is really hard work and faith. nothing is impossible.

this is a start of a new blog life. in 2 months, i'll be turning 30 and that should not be something that i will be depressed over. right? i've accomplished a lot, i've grown a bit wiser and i've definitely achieved some peace of mind. so enough about those depressing thoughts and whining moods!

i just finished interviewing this person. her communication is really something to be improved on but she's got substance. hope i made a right decision to recommend her for final interviewer. Bill's gonna do it and i hope i'm right with my intuition. or else! i'm slowly starting to realize that i'm not really a very good judge of character. so i really have to practice this intuition of mine or subconscious or whatever. that's what blink's all about! just goes to show how much i'm learning from all the books i've been reading... :)