Tahanan little war

4/10/14

It’s breaking my heart to see vino playing on his own when his playmates don’t want to play with him because of this fight.  I just don’t want this to traumatize him, he’s such a positive and happy boy… I want him to stay that way and protect him

irritable me

I’ve been tossing and turning on something I’ve observed about myself for a couple of days.  I realized how irritable I’ve become towards my family… especially my mom and dad.  is it something chemical inside me that gets this way??  Whenever my mom shows signs of weakness or something (like yesterday when I brought food to Tirona and she started asking what it was, where did I get it…  I got irritated and just answered her rudely.  Right now, I don’t even remember what triggered it.  I feel bad right now, but I remember that I just can’t stand it.  I even snapped at Marie when she said she invited Ariel and Armi, telling her “parang anniv mo”.  what the hell was that?  I was not in a good place yesterday… was it?  and to think I just came from mass not 2 hours before that.  and I didn’t spare my dad!  I snapped at him when he started asking for advance to pay for the annual dues in Pico.  Now I remember, this really irked me.  and until now, I want to set the record straight with them that I’m not in a financially safe place right now.  The house and our move really wiped out our savings – as in literally wiped!  I only have 1 savings left but that’s just what 10k??  and not just that, we’re mortgaged to the hilt.  And I have my baby coming in a few months.  So I really need to protect what I have so far. 

And I didn’t end there!  I shared my ‘ill feelings’ to bits/armi/Yielly about this thing with Jro, how mom and dad again covered for her financially putting a down payment for a car.  I was on a roll yesterday!  I shouldn’t have gone out yesterday if I was on this ‘rampage’ about how irked I felt.  Haayyy…  I’m trying to figure out what’s triggering this.  I don’t want to be like this… I want to be “Christ-like”.  Haaayyy…  need some divine intervention somehow.  It’s been awhile since we last had a heartfelt talk huh.  I think this is just your way of calling me… I really don’t want to be this ‘sungit’ person who always have negative things to say always!  Haaayyy… kakainis!  Sige, later, let’s talk.  J

I really want to sort this out.

Bechu quotes - sweetie boy

Bechu:  Mommy, you need to be here with me… (there were a couple of days where I stayed in QC while vino stayed in BF and slept with Kuya JC).  :D

Weird @ 38

Feeling weird again.  I’m already this old and I still have these sessions where I feel lost coz I’m taken over by what I’m feeling.  What am I feeling?  I feel like I’m hovering over myself, not really in the moment, just doing things mechanically.  Does this mean I’m not enjoying what I’m doing?  I just had my period so this should not be PMSing.  What is it?  Is it because I’m transitioning to a new life?  I’m at that stage where I’m trying to get used to getting out of my comfort zone, it’s not fun.  It’s weird…  I normally take on changes – head on!  but now I feel like I’m losing my confidence… even with the way I drive.  Last night I was driving at night with rain spattering all around.  I got scared of getting flooded, got scared of crashing into some post or another car, got scared of skidding.  What was that???  I suddenly felt not invincible.  I was even thinking what if I’m turning into mom – who’s always scared to try.  It’s weird!!!  I’m not a scaredy-cat!  I take everything head on!  hay… weird.  I’m in a weird place right now and I don’t know where it’s coming from and I don’t know what to do about it. 

First day @ San Beda

Vino’s first day in the big school!  Haay…  we walked to san beda from mom/dad’s house.  I thought it was easy-peasy but I was already sweating when we reached the guardhouse.  Even vino started complaining.  Hehehe… shows you how invincible I think I am.  1^st day – cute little classrooms.  I met vino’s teacher, teacher nina.  I wasn’t worried that he’d make friends, I was more worried about him being too rowdy and not being sensitive to other kids that he might hurt them with his high energy.  So far, I see him raising his hands, smiling at the other kids, touching them and talking to them (I don’t know what topic they could talk about!).  there were also a lot of mommies that stayed and just watched their kids.  Met lani and her yaya, and saw sadie’s mom.  Such a small world.  J  by the end of the class, I see vino just being so comfortable, he’s standing up, running towards the window and shooing other kids who were looking in their room.  At that time, I’m thinking the teacher will have a handful with Vino.  But the thing with Vino, hes’ gonna stop if someone will tell him that’s bad… and remind him over and over again.  I hope he won’t get bored with the class – I saw him a couple of times not paying attention and starting to play…  let’s see…  J