weird

I'm feeling so weird… am I depressed? I'm thinking about how sis has not been consistently sending IM or even calling me. But that's what I want, right? I don't want to get too close to him because it might lead to something more… for him I mean. And again, I just want to be in that comfort zone where I only hold people at arms length. Probably, by nature I want that closeness… but my mind is saying no. Weird. And now, I'm thinkng about it. I can't concentrate on work. I just need a break. This hitch has been hectic… both work and pleasure. But I'm so weird, the littlest thing I fret! ARG! I'm done with my period and I'm still feeling hormonally imbalanced!

10-year old version of a bucket list

Interesting conversation last night with our 10yr old:

(Saw skydiving when we were having dinner)

V: i want to go skydiving

Me: huh?!?  Really?  You? 

V: yes!  So these are the things i want to do... climb a mountain..

Me: huh??  you didn't even finish the mountain we climbed

V: Yes, i was half way.   travel all by myself...

me:  all by your self??  huh??  (Gobsmacked - couldnt believe what i was hearing.  so funny!  where does he get all these ideas!  when i was 10 years old, i was just thinking about school, TV and my friends.  gash.)

H: you should also target to be a millionaire by age of 30.  I became one at the age of 30.

V: okay.. you inspired me dad.  i will do that.

hahahaha!!!  it was just so interesting, endearing, sweet and proud.  one for the books!  :)

 

bone-tired

first time in a long time... but I just wanted to air out.  I'm not complaining, I just want to let this all out.  I am physically and mentally tired.  Yaya went on a vacation.  we just got back from a week in japan.  I have 2 boys who don't really care much helping out at home.  I'm basically okay with that but there's just not enough time!!  I want to be able to do it all.  I want to clean the house, be able to cook for them, do the laundry... at the quick clean and not me...I hate doing handwash laundry!! 
right now, I'm in the office and I'm feeling bone tired!  I have no motivation to start work... but I have a long list of things to do... DEPO action items, DEPO meeting, DEPO RFP on the UAE/Bahrain/Vietnam and then CAS ADAIRO, CAS cutover plan, CAS resource checking.  I'd rather stay at home and clean!  hahahaha! 


I feel like I'm a walking robot... not feeling anything.  just doing what needs to be done.  that's not good right?  I have no desire or passion for anything except to do what needs to be done.  do I need a vacation?  i don't know Lord.  What are you telling me?  deep down, having a baby would make me soo happy and passionate again.  i keep doing stuff - trying new things to possibly compensate not having a baby.  but deep down, I'm not happy.  we're not happy.  i feeling that toping and vino are also just floating, waiting.  lead me Lord.  i know you have something planned for us but i don't know if i need to do something or just let it happen.  do i wait and be patient or just take the bull by the horns and ask Hane about adoption again?  is that it??  Or just move on, accept that you won't get that one thing that will make you very happy and just do stuff that will make other people happy?  oh em gee!


okay that's it.  still so much stuff to do.  got to cut this emo stuff!  :)

Holy Week

2015 Holy Week Friday’s Station

This is the most meaningful Holy Week…  my first Holy Week after Angel Duc.  It formally started with Friday’s Station of the Cross, Palm Sunday, Holy Wednesday Novena and Mass, Maundy Thursday’s Bisita Iglesia, Good Friday’s Celebration of the Lord’s Passion, Black Saturday’s Easter Vigil and Easter Sunday’s Salubong and Mass.

 

The week was peaceful and non-stressful just the way I like it.  I never did like to go out of town during Holy Week and join the bandwagon of millions of tourists squeezing into tourist spots, beaches, pools, etc.  but somehow my family, vino and Hane wants to go out of town.  I want to make my future Holy Week like this…  really energizing for Jesus’ Passion, Death and Resurrection.

 

It started with Friday’s stations of the cross – I just wanted to do it as a Friday night gimmick and I brought Vino along.  But that activity turned out to be such a profound one… I realized that I can relate to this…  how my 2014 is the first part of the stations of the cross…  full of suffering – not betrayal… although a small part of my heart still has this resentment towards You Lord.  I know it’s wrong that’s why I’m still not completely healed.  I can relate it to Angel Duc, how he suffered and carried the cross of that congenital disorder.  How brave he was and how he really fought hard to stay alive.  It’s the Passion…  Jesus suffered through it so that He could save us from sin… Angel Duc suffered through it so that he could save me…  it’s not enough that I just go to mass, I need to do something bigger… I don’t want to be passive! 

 

Jesus has suffered through all of it and I think maybe one reason is for all the people who suffered to really relate to him… like me.  I now understand the importance of Jesus becoming man so that all of us can really relate and say that I am one with Jesus.  His suffering is so great, my suffering is nothing compared to what He went through. 

 

Death.  “Unto thy hands, I commend my Spirit”.  It is somehow a relief to die…  to leave the physical earth and leave all the suffering and problems.  And it’s a way to transition to something that is much greater. 

 

Resurrection.  This is now a new word to me…  I’m so grateful that there is life after death… that I will see my Angel duc on the other side… the he is so much more happy there and that he is waiting for me…  Thank you Papa Jesus for saving us and creating that world for us.  I now realize the importance of Holy Week and I want to have it as a tradition to just make it as Holy every year. 

slump

It’s so hard…  to be in this situation where I’m constantly looking out for my finances, to always think about things that I need to pay directly out of my salary.  I used to just have tons of savings and if I have to pay insurance or car repair or just plan for vacation – I can just take it out from the savings and go about my salary regularly.  I’m tired of worrying about how I’m going to pay for the next big item…  next big item is the insurance from hane.  I just calculated and annually, I need to shell out 190k just to keep up with the insurance.  I’m tired.  I’m hearing my friends plan for trips to japan or out of the country.  I couldn’t even plan for an out of town trip.  I’m so tired.  I know Lord God, that this is reality and I need to carry my cross.  I’m just ranting now…  that’s probably why I feel so down and depressed.  I haven’t been thinking too much about my angel…  but I know Lord God, you’re constantly there, picking up small pieces so I don’t break down.  Talk about ungratefulness noh.  I’m just not used to being like this for long time.  This is the worst financial slump I’ve ever been in.  completely no savings – completely not liquid.  Completely always recalculating when I’m going to get money.. next payday, next bonus, the last payment of my numerous loans.  Lord God, help me get through this… I don’t want to burden Hane with all this… he’s always so positive.  He’s used to this situation… he’s been there before when he was young and supporting his siblings.  As for me, this is the first time.  It’s so hard…  but this will make me stronger, this will make me appreciate the value of money, make me value things above – not the earthly things.  It’s hard when you’re surrounded by too much material things… too much focus on earthly things.  I need to detach but I shouldn’t detach.  I think I need to just be open about it that I’m in this situation.