scary...

i had a scary night last night. i woke up, feeling so hot and i can't breathe! it was so weird... i felt like i was having a panic attack coz i can't understand what was wrong with me. I felt dizzy but i didn't feel any pain... and i thought of scary things like what if i die here and i'm all alone in my room... so this is what it feels like to die alone. i thought of my honey, how i needed him then. gash. i just had to push myself out of bed and go to the bathroom. i didn't even feel the need to pee or take a crap but i just sat on the toilet seat, feeling even more dizzy. i felt like i was seconds away from passing out. and i immediately thought who's gonna find me here when i pass out, will it take a long time for people to start realizing that i'm missing. i even thought that i don't want to be hospitalized here, even if it means i have to ignore this dizziness! and then i took a crap... and felt a little better. it was just so weird. i'm not the type who panics easily. am i getting old? i even thought of that last night. i said to myself i'm gonna start taking care of myself, eating the right food and exercising. until now, i'm still amazed by what happened. but again, i'm gonna conquer that. hello! i can't let this affect me coz my mind is stronger and God is beside me. :)

moments of rest...

It's a Sunday here in malongo… just had a big party last night. But right now, between the quiet time of 530 to 6 am, just before I start my work, I enjoy this moment of solitude. Here I am listening to nyoy volante singing ballads, and I love these moments where I enjoy just being here. It's not much if you think about it, but I treasure it coz I feel at peace, some sort of a rest for me after a night of being outgoing and funny and entertaining. It really feels nice and I feel energized to start the day again. And nyoy definitely helps to put the mood right, with his cool and soothing voice.

a moment of homesickness

I just had this sudden and great urge to go home. I might cry again. I just miss my honey and I'm wondering what I'm doing here when I should be back home fixing my marriage and just be surrounded by my family… my comfort zone. Right now, I suddenly feel like such an alien here.
And suddenly, I felt better again. Emotions are so powerful and so deceiving. If you let yourself go and feel, you'll never be completely satisfied. I just had this very interesting talk with a married man. He talked about how money should be controlled by the wife. This restricts the man from doing things he's not supposed to do as a married man, be it women, booze or gambling. Right now, I don't believe in that yet. I have complete trust in my fiance and I don't want to be restricting him just to prevent him from doing bad things. It should be coming from him. Maybe in a few years time, I might have a change of heart. Hmmm… something to talk about with my honey.

lapit na...

am back here again in singapore waiting for my flight to johannesburg. i'm so tired right now i just want to whine. i want to forget first to be positive and to control these emotions and just wallow in my tiredness. i'm a little bit worried on this hitch because i know i'm not gonna be 100% focused on my work coz i'll be worrying about our big day. how will i survive? mygash, just thinking about it is making my head hurt and that's the last thing i need right now. i'm so tired, my eyes are drooping already, my back is aching, my tummy is bloated with air, my spirit is a little bit down. i probably should've bought the creative vision M coz it might cheer my up just a little bit. as bad as it sounds, i'm not really looking forward to anything back in camp. i hope that i'll get to find something or someone to motivate me. hmmm... which reminds me... there's an invite for a bible study. i know You might be calling me... hay, i'm one tough bullheaded cookie! kulit!

well, i hope everything will be fine.

right sacrifices

it was painful to decide, but 'we' decided to forego the opportunity to be on expat assignment. just writing about it, i feel so very nostalgic. that was such a great opportunity, job-wise and exposure-wise, working in a refinery and just surrounded by downstream operations. I would've enjoyed being challenged like that. but it just came at the wrong time when my personal life is coming into play as the top priority in my life. i don't know if i would still get to have this type of opportunity and i don't know if i'm gonna regret ever having made this decision. this would've made my parents proud. hay... life. i choose to make my marriage life the major point in my life, right now. and i'm just gonna trust in You, Lord God. you know what's best and i believe you were pointing me to this direction. and i'm happy that my hane also sees it that God has something better planned for us. and i believe that.
it's good to imagine what it would be like to be an expat. wow. that would've been fun.