August 1

Yesterday was another bleak day for us...they stopped trial feeding for the 3rd time.  It was such a devastating news but God gave us small gifts to help... hane went home early from a plant tour so i didnt go thru it alone.  Tuazon immediately asked for xray and 2nd opinion.  Hane and I had some precious moments, prayed the rosary, talked - what the Lord wanted us to learn, that we both just want to serve and help, i told him my plan to have a savings fund for helping.  I felt connected to him at a deeper level and i thank God for the gift of him.

I know deep inside that the Lord will save baby duc.  He gave me so much breastmilk, He saved baby by delivering him just in time, He made baby duc to be such a fighter.  And i cant wait to get to know him as he grows up.  He is such a precious gift and just looking in his eyes, i feel all the love and connection with him.  

July 30

Right now, I feel like I’m bordering on depression.  I have gone from fighter to nagger to depressor. 

I know I have to fight this.  before I used to just read the bible and prayers and novena to St Pio and Mother of Perpetual Help, and that brings up my energy.  But now, my mind is just not into it.  I read it but don’t understand it. 

What is my daily life like…  my day starts at 2am where I need to pump my breastmilk.  This is my gift to my baby Duc, my endurance to provide him with the best that I could give.  This is also the time I read Kerygma daily readings.  I’m so glad I found this website… it’s a gift from God to help me get through this.  This morning, I had to fight the urge to watch TV instead of read.  I felt like reading Kerygma puts me more into depression because I think about our condition.  Watching TV gives me a reprieve from all this but I know it’s just a temporary escape.  I know that the right thing to do is read instead of watch…  and I fight the urge really.  I think God whispered in my ear, reminding me that I have always used writing as a way to fix my thoughts, push out all negative thoughts and organize them so I have a plan.  Thank you. 

Yesterday started promising…  Duc had an episode of aspirating around 16mL of bilous at 12 midnight, but after that, right until 5pm, he was okay.  We were even dancing in the morning while waiting for his next feed of 6.5mL.  The radio was on and R&B songs were playing.  I had him just sitting upright while I support his head and chest, and I was just humming with him R&B style.  His poops were of small amount only so I got a little bit concerned.  But nevertheless…  At this point, he is now reintroduced to hunger since he started feeding last Saturday July 26 at 12 midnight.  And somehow, he follows that pattern of every 3 hours feeding.  He wakes up or starts to cry 1 hour or 30 minutes before the next feed.  I should be happy with this instead of sad!!  Hane is right, I am a negative thinker.  I have been worrying and worrying of his crying, I should just trust the process, trust the nurses, trust God that He will somehow pacify Duc.  I should be happy that he is eating, and he is feeling the hunger and that he cries his head off, demanding milk.  Duc is just such a strong boy…  I hope that I bring positive energy always to him.  Please help me. 

Tahanan little war

4/10/14

It’s breaking my heart to see vino playing on his own when his playmates don’t want to play with him because of this fight.  I just don’t want this to traumatize him, he’s such a positive and happy boy… I want him to stay that way and protect him

irritable me

I’ve been tossing and turning on something I’ve observed about myself for a couple of days.  I realized how irritable I’ve become towards my family… especially my mom and dad.  is it something chemical inside me that gets this way??  Whenever my mom shows signs of weakness or something (like yesterday when I brought food to Tirona and she started asking what it was, where did I get it…  I got irritated and just answered her rudely.  Right now, I don’t even remember what triggered it.  I feel bad right now, but I remember that I just can’t stand it.  I even snapped at Marie when she said she invited Ariel and Armi, telling her “parang anniv mo”.  what the hell was that?  I was not in a good place yesterday… was it?  and to think I just came from mass not 2 hours before that.  and I didn’t spare my dad!  I snapped at him when he started asking for advance to pay for the annual dues in Pico.  Now I remember, this really irked me.  and until now, I want to set the record straight with them that I’m not in a financially safe place right now.  The house and our move really wiped out our savings – as in literally wiped!  I only have 1 savings left but that’s just what 10k??  and not just that, we’re mortgaged to the hilt.  And I have my baby coming in a few months.  So I really need to protect what I have so far. 

And I didn’t end there!  I shared my ‘ill feelings’ to bits/armi/Yielly about this thing with Jro, how mom and dad again covered for her financially putting a down payment for a car.  I was on a roll yesterday!  I shouldn’t have gone out yesterday if I was on this ‘rampage’ about how irked I felt.  Haayyy…  I’m trying to figure out what’s triggering this.  I don’t want to be like this… I want to be “Christ-like”.  Haaayyy…  need some divine intervention somehow.  It’s been awhile since we last had a heartfelt talk huh.  I think this is just your way of calling me… I really don’t want to be this ‘sungit’ person who always have negative things to say always!  Haaayyy… kakainis!  Sige, later, let’s talk.  J

I really want to sort this out.

Bechu quotes - sweetie boy

Bechu:  Mommy, you need to be here with me… (there were a couple of days where I stayed in QC while vino stayed in BF and slept with Kuya JC).  :D