slump

It’s so hard…  to be in this situation where I’m constantly looking out for my finances, to always think about things that I need to pay directly out of my salary.  I used to just have tons of savings and if I have to pay insurance or car repair or just plan for vacation – I can just take it out from the savings and go about my salary regularly.  I’m tired of worrying about how I’m going to pay for the next big item…  next big item is the insurance from hane.  I just calculated and annually, I need to shell out 190k just to keep up with the insurance.  I’m tired.  I’m hearing my friends plan for trips to japan or out of the country.  I couldn’t even plan for an out of town trip.  I’m so tired.  I know Lord God, that this is reality and I need to carry my cross.  I’m just ranting now…  that’s probably why I feel so down and depressed.  I haven’t been thinking too much about my angel…  but I know Lord God, you’re constantly there, picking up small pieces so I don’t break down.  Talk about ungratefulness noh.  I’m just not used to being like this for long time.  This is the worst financial slump I’ve ever been in.  completely no savings – completely not liquid.  Completely always recalculating when I’m going to get money.. next payday, next bonus, the last payment of my numerous loans.  Lord God, help me get through this… I don’t want to burden Hane with all this… he’s always so positive.  He’s used to this situation… he’s been there before when he was young and supporting his siblings.  As for me, this is the first time.  It’s so hard…  but this will make me stronger, this will make me appreciate the value of money, make me value things above – not the earthly things.  It’s hard when you’re surrounded by too much material things… too much focus on earthly things.  I need to detach but I shouldn’t detach.  I think I need to just be open about it that I’m in this situation.