Right now, I feel like I’m bordering on depression. I have gone from fighter to nagger to depressor.
I know I have to fight this. before I used to just read the bible and prayers and novena to St Pio and Mother of Perpetual Help, and that brings up my energy. But now, my mind is just not into it. I read it but don’t understand it.
What is my daily life like… my day starts at 2am where I need to pump my breastmilk. This is my gift to my baby Duc, my endurance to provide him with the best that I could give. This is also the time I read Kerygma daily readings. I’m so glad I found this website… it’s a gift from God to help me get through this. This morning, I had to fight the urge to watch TV instead of read. I felt like reading Kerygma puts me more into depression because I think about our condition. Watching TV gives me a reprieve from all this but I know it’s just a temporary escape. I know that the right thing to do is read instead of watch… and I fight the urge really. I think God whispered in my ear, reminding me that I have always used writing as a way to fix my thoughts, push out all negative thoughts and organize them so I have a plan. Thank you.
Yesterday started promising… Duc had an episode of aspirating around 16mL of bilous at 12 midnight, but after that, right until 5pm, he was okay. We were even dancing in the morning while waiting for his next feed of 6.5mL. The radio was on and R&B songs were playing. I had him just sitting upright while I support his head and chest, and I was just humming with him R&B style. His poops were of small amount only so I got a little bit concerned. But nevertheless… At this point, he is now reintroduced to hunger since he started feeding last Saturday July 26 at 12 midnight. And somehow, he follows that pattern of every 3 hours feeding. He wakes up or starts to cry 1 hour or 30 minutes before the next feed. I should be happy with this instead of sad!! Hane is right, I am a negative thinker. I have been worrying and worrying of his crying, I should just trust the process, trust the nurses, trust God that He will somehow pacify Duc. I should be happy that he is eating, and he is feeling the hunger and that he cries his head off, demanding milk. Duc is just such a strong boy… I hope that I bring positive energy always to him. Please help me.
